Transformation

I often wonder why crises come in groups. As if it’s not enough to suffer one heartache, one struggle, one complicated life change -bad luck comes in threes they say. There’s even a saying about it. No one says good luck comes in threes, because it doesn’t. There’s the image of the grim reaper, following around the living just after a death. The curtain is still open. The veil is thin. The tugging is incessant.

I don’t mean to sound morbid. I come from a long line of undertakers. Death is a part of life. Another room. It has much to teach us about depth and awareness and senses we forgot we had.

I’m beginning to realize that in these moments of tragedy, of sadness, of trauma, your ego is at its most weak. But sometimes, somehow, it begins to creep back in before you have fully accepted, before you have completely let go. And so, (I assume, for I can think of no other reason than life’s simple cruelty, and that is just too difficult for me to believe) more heartache, more upheaval happens in order to shatter the ego completely. In order to surrender to life and what it intends for you. And in these moments you find a glimmer of peace and stillness that was hiding beneath the suffering.

There are a lot of changes happening here. A lot of second guessing, a lot of questioning of the self because of these changes. But before the butterfly can emerge, first the caterpillar must build a chyrsalis. It is cramped, and tired, and confused, but it is transforming.

Is the caterpillar even aware as to what is happening? Does it even know what it is to become? Do I? All I know is who I am, and who I have been. I am reconnecting to the truest parts of myself. I have been out of balance and in these darkest days before the Winter Solstice, I can feel the work that lies ahead this winter -the transformation of my chrysalis.

I am listening. I am breathing. I am accepting.
Here’s to the dark and to the returning of the light. To the stirring of our souls. To our deepest truest selves. To the unknown. To facing all of our fears. To coming out the other side, stronger, more beautiful, and more at peace.

 

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